


my home

by kangchanhee



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Crying, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Feelings, Homesickness, Long-Distance Relationship, Love, M/M, Sad, not rly, rowoon's just fucked off to greece for work for a while, they miss each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 03:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19821718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangchanhee/pseuds/kangchanhee
Summary: and i’ve realised you’re my home but you’re not here





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chanishands](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanishands/gifts).



“come on, don’t be a wimp, woo,” chanhee laughed in his phone. “you’ve been away for what? two weeks? relax, you’ll be back in a month and you’ll be so annoyed by me that you’ll wish to be away at the earliest possible convenience.”

“i never get annoyed by you, though,” seokwoo admitted. of course, chanhee knew that. neither of them really got annoyed by each other - chanhee _acted_ like he did but he actually loved seokwoo to death and anyone that dared to say something even remotely bad to him had to have a serious talk with chanhee from which they would not be able to get out alive. “i miss you,” it sounded like the man was on the verge of tears.

chanhee missed him, too. so much. but he couldn’t show it, the boy had to at least pretend to not be influenced by the fact that he missed seokwoo. for seokwoo’s sake. they couldn’t both be sad messes, one of them had to resemble at least something similar to okay for them both to be okay.

“neither of us are dead, you’ll see me soon enough. relax, enjoy the time you get on your breaks, do a good job with work, focus on that and you won’t even notice how time goes past,” chanhee tried to be helpful while still having some of that snark in his tone, though that didn’t really work anymore, the boy was too sad and sentimental at this point to still being snarky, with a hint of meanness.

“i know… i just miss you,” seokwoo sighed and cleared his throat. “anyway,” the man tried changing the subject to a more positive note, “i’ll send you some pictures from the beach that i took. we stopped at a cafe after the shoot and i had to take some pics.”

“wow, an actor, a model, _and_ a photograph, who can also sing. i’m lucky to even know you, aren’t i?” chanhee chuckled. he knew that seokwoo adored whenever chanhee said something good about him and the boy felt like the older could use a bit of confidence and positivity boost.

“oh, definitely,” seokwoo laughed in return. “it’s really late now, you should sleep, love,” he murmured, “i have to go soon, too.”

“yeah, i should,” chanhee did not want to put the phone down yet, he wanted to talk to seokwoo more - about anything at all, seokwoo could be telling chanhee the best strategies of how to do a cartwheel and chanhee would listen as long as he could hear the man’s voice. “text me when you go to sleep, okay?”

“okay,” seokwoo confirmed. “goodnight, i love you.”

“goodnight, i love you, too.”

+++

“hey, chanhee!” seokwoo said immediately as he saw the younger’s face on his phone screen. there was a huge smile on the man’s face and he looked at chanhee with love-filled eyes. chanhee smiled back - seeing seokwoo happy made chanhee feel a strange warmth in his heart 

“hey, how’s your day going?” chanhee asked softly. with each day, it became so much harder to pretend that everything was perfectly good and that seokwoo’s absence didn’t influence him that much. “youngkyun wants to take me out for dinner tonight, so we can’t have that long of a call, just a disclaimer,” chanhee lied. he grew sadder by the second, the boy couldn’t risk being a crying mess by the end of the call, seokwoo didn’t have to see that.

“it’s all good,” seokwoo said. “the shoot was really productive today, the directors even said that we might finish early, so we might have a week free to just relax here,” he sounded excited saying that. chanhee could feel a slight sting in his heart - the boy wanted to be there with seokwoo, enjoy the time in greece with him. “have you not burnt the house down yet? miss me yet?”

“i mean, i did have to throw out a pan but i feel offended that you have to ask me that. on a totally unrelated subject - our apartment does have insurance, right?” chanhee laughed a bit too happily, trying to make an impression that everything was great and he had everything under control.

“please don’t burn down or flood the apartment, we will lose our deposit,” seokwoo sighed. he knew chanhee was joking but there was genuine worry visible in his eyes. “should i ask youngbin to check in with you once in a while? i enjoy living in our apartment as it is.”

“i’ll be just fine, woo, don’t bother youngbin,” chanhee smiled. “i should ask juho to look after you instead, you can cook but you’re a mess in every other aspect of life and you’re very aware of that,” the boy reminded.

“okay, yeah, you’re right-”

“as i always am,” chanhee interrupted.

“i can’t even argue with that,” seokwoo admitted after a few seconds of silence. “i mean, you’re not always right but you’re right _-er_ than me in many cases so i’m not the one to speak.”

“you’re never the one to speak,” chanhee corrected. “you can only be trusted to speak when you have a script, and barely even then,” the boy said wisely. “we don’t want to repeat the incident with my parents, do we?” he teased.

“god, you’re never letting me live that down, are you?” seokwoo hid his face with one of his hands, which looked like he was facepalming but that was also a very valid response to it because that incident was… a whole ride but let’s not get into details.

“never. i will remind that to you on your deathbed if i have to,” chanhee chuckled, looking at seokwoo on his phone screen. god, he missed the man so much. they were never apart for that long and chanhee now knew why. the boy never knew that he could experience such strong emotion just because he hadn’t seen seokwoo in real life for a little while. it had been only three weeks now and chanhee was sure that he wouldn’t be able to survive any longer but alas, there were three more weeks until seokwoo would come home and everything would go back to normal. and if chanhee could count, that was three weeks too many. algebra wasn’t his strong side but he was pretty certain about that.

“bold of you to assume i’m mortal,” seokwoo said with the most serious facial expression. “i will face death in hand to hand combat and win at the age of sixty-eight, therefore being rendered immortal. that’s how it works, i checked.”

“you scare me sometimes,” chanhee shook his head. “also, bold of you to assume death isn’t a social construct,” he rolled his eyes.

“oh no, let’s not start the social construct debate again, i can’t handle this,” seokwoo quickly shut the boy up. “i have a weak heart.”

“hag,” chanhee murmured just loud enough for the older to hear and coughed as if to mask what he had said.

“excuse me, what?” seokwoo made a face that practically screamed _exasperation_ . chanhee’s entire life’s mission was to make seokwoo as exasperated as possible so he counted that as a win in his book. “i’ll have to let you know that i am very young and fresh, and _only_ four years older than you, which is an acceptable age on any account and i will prove it to you someday.”

“i am very interested in how you expect to prove it to me but i wish you the best of luck on that,” chanhee smirked and blew a kiss toward the camera. “take that as a token of good luck because you’re never seeing me do that again, trust me. i almost cringed while doing that.”

“not even if i ask nicely?” seokwoo pouted. chanhee’s heart did a somersault but it seemed like it wasn’t too keen on gymnastics because his heart suddenly got hurt from seeing the older just on the screen. he wanted a hug from seokwoo. he had never wanted a hug from seokwoo as bad as he did now.

“not even then,” chanhee shook his head and smiled through the pain. “anygay, i have to go, woo, kyun texted me that he would be here in a few minutes and i still need to get dressed,” he quickly said, hoping to not get caught in the lie.

“okay, love. stay safe, don’t do anything dumb and don’t let _kyun_ do anything dumb as he is prone to that,” seokwoo warmly smiled. “i love you. text me when you get back so i know you’re alright. i miss you,” he blew a kiss toward the camera and winked cutely, though there was an obvious sadness behind the eyes.

“i love you, too,” chanhee said. he couldn’t say _‘i miss you, too’_ , he couldn’t admit it. if he did, he would have to accept that what he was feeling was real and the boy wasn’t ready for that. if he did, he’d have a reason to be sad. but he didn't he absolutely did not. because seokwoo would be back home soon enough and it wasn’t a big deal. and chanhee was in no way missing him.

+++

“‘sup,” chanhee started the conversation.

“hey, chanhee,” seokwoo’s voice was full of softness and love. in any other case, chanhee would have made fun of seokwoo for sounding like he was ready to die for chanhee if he wanted him to and that he’d go to the end of the universe for the boy, but not this time. three weeks apart does that. chanhee never knew that three weeks could seem like so much but right now it was like an eternity. and to think that he’d have to wait that much more… chanhee was not okay.

“how’s your day going? how’s the shoot?” chanhee asked questions first to avoid having to talk for long which would eventually lead to crying on his part. he already felt the knot in his throat growing bigger and harder to swallow. and all that just from two words that reminded him of seokwoo being away.

“we’re on a break right now, it’s going pretty smoothly but the wind was kind of a hassle. we managed, though, it’s alright,” seokwoo explained. he sounded happier than yesterday. was it becoming easier for him? for letting emotions out at first and not hiding? was chanhee suffering from the intense feeling of loneliness just because he hadn’t let it out yet like seokwoo had? chanhee couldn’t let himself cry on a call. sure, it wasn’t anything shameful and it was alright when the older did it but the boy just didn’t feel like it was appropriate coming from him. “what about you? did you and kyun have fun yesterday?”

“yeah. yeah, we did,” chanhee barely got that out of himself. “had to almost carry him back to taeyang, he had a bit too much to drink but it was fun. i had a cider and that’s it,” he expanded on his lie. lying came too easily to him, he wasn’t proud of it but at times like these, the younger was thankful for it.

“oh, that’s good. have you had anything to eat yet?” seokwoo asked caringly. “or do i need to ask someone to cook for you?”

“yeah, i had some ramen, i didn’t want to cook. but please don’t ask anyone to cook for me, i’m not that much of a child,” he murmured. the boy sniffled, tearing up. hearing seokwoo’s voice was too much for him now. now that he couldn’t hear it in real life, next to him. now that he couldn’t hug the man or be hugged by him. now that he was away. even if he was going to come back in a bit less than three weeks, it was just… too much.

“is everything alright? you sound a bit sick, bub,” seokwoo sounded his concern. by now the boy was already crying but he didn’t let the older hear his sobs, only a few sniffles here and there.

“yeah, yeah, don’t worry. i think i’ve just caught a cold. i gave youngkyun my jacket yesterday and walked home without it, y’know?” chanhee lied _again._ the boy wasn’t about to let seokwoo know that he was crying and generally not okay. seokwoo had enough to worry about already - work, the upcoming flight home, more work. chanhee didn’t want to become another one of his worries.

“make sure to drink enough fluids and maybe some vitamin c as well, okay?” seokwoo said. he was always there for chanhee when he was sick or just sad but now that just made chanhee’s heart ache even more. if seokwoo was here and got to know that the younger was sick, chanhee would be tucked in bed by now with a cold compress on his forehead and a cup of herbal tea right next to him, watching his favourite tv show and being cuddled. 

“i will,” chanhee said, feigning a chuckle. “my head hurts, so i think i’m gonna go lie down but we can call again tomorrow?”

“okay, take care of yourself. i miss you, still,” seokwoo reminded.

“i love you.”

“i love you, too.”

***

chanhee was not okay.

_chanhee: hey woo, i can’t call today, i’m going out with kyun and staying over at his place_

chanhee missed seokwoo.

_woo:_ _that’s okay, love, have fun!! stay safe <3 i love you_

chanhee felt miserable.

_chanhee: i love you, too_

it was now 3 am and the boy still couldn’t sleep. he had been in bed since midnight, attempting to quiet down his mind to let him get at least a bit of sleep but the feeling of guilt and loneliness haunted him. he didn’t feel good for lying to seokwoo but he didn’t want to break down on a call with him either, so this was the best he could do.

but yet, it’s wasn’t good enough. the guilt kept making him feel worse and worse while the loneliness suffocated him. the boy didn’t know that a person could cry as much as he did, that a heart could ache like that but now he wasn’t surprised anymore. he couldn’t feel surprised, he couldn’t feel any more emotions or it would make him go crazy.

chanhee hugged his pillow tighter, trying to make it imitate seokwoo. that failed miserably - seokwoo couldn’t be imitated. the boy wanted to be hugged back, feel the warmth of another body - _seokwoo’s body_ \- next to him, to be told that he’s loved.

he wanted seokwoo to be there.

the boy couldn’t even catch his breath anymore, it was hard to breathe and the tears clouded his vision, while the tiredness made the boy unable to move - his limbs felt so heavy, yet every time the boy was about to fall asleep from the sheer exhaustion that the crying provided, he was up again, only starting to sob harder.

chanhee didn’t know how to deal with this.

chanhee wasn’t equipped with what it took to deal with that amount of emotions, the boy never let himself express his emotions and never learnt how to cope - now it came back to bite him in the ass because it was now that the boy needed that skill. he needed to be taught how to deal with it, he needed to talk about it.

he needed to tell seokwoo that he was hurting.

seokwoo always knew how to deal with emotions. he was never afraid of showing them and always talked to chanhee if something was bothering him. the man was obviously the best example there was on how to deal with feelings but chanhee had always ignored it, dealing with his emotions by himself. but now was the time he couldn’t do that.

the boy was being torn apart.

chanhee reached for his phone. the boy took a look at the lockscreen - seeing the photo on it was not the best thing for chanhee’s mind right now, a photo of seokwoo and him hugging, as taken by juho. chanhee felt a sharp stab in his heart upon seeing it. the boy looked at the recent calls and pressed on seokwoo’s name.

it was ringing for an excruciating amount of time.

seokwoo’s face appeared on chanhee’s screen, first smiling - probably glad to have been called, after all, it was only 9 pm for him at that point, considering time zones, but the smile quickly shifted to worry.

“i miss you,” chanhee blurted out between sobs. “i miss you so much, i can’t handle it,” he repeated. admitting it made a bit of weight fall off his shoulders but it didn’t make a huge difference.

“sweetheart…” seokwoo didn’t seem to be ready to have to deal with a sobbing chanhee over facetime. he looked so… _hurt_ by seeing chanhee cry. “i miss you, too, but i’ll be back soon. it’s only two and a half more weeks and i’ll be there.”

“that’s too long,” chanhee didn’t care that he probably sounded like a stuck-up brat. he just wanted seokwoo to be there next to him and comfort him as he usually would. and chanhee knew that the older wasn’t physically capable of doing that now but he _needed_ seokwoo. he _needed_ to be comforted. “i’ve waited for so long and i can’t handle it anymore, and it hurts,” chanhee cried out. “it hurts so much, woo.”

“remember what you told me a while ago? i’ll be back in less than three weeks and you’ll get so annoyed by me that you’ll want me to go away again, right?” seokwoo tried to use the same logic on chanhee that the younger had used on him. that didn’t work in the slightest as it only made chanhee cry harder.

“i don’t ever want you to go away,” chanhee sobbed. his chest tightened. “i want you here.”

“i’ll be back soon, sweetheart,” seokwoo reminded.

“two and a half weeks is so long. it’s such a long time when it’s hard for me to even live in our home because i feel homesick. and i’ve realised you’re my home but you’re not here, so it’s not like i can just walk over to you because you’re in fucking greece, while i’m in korea and i just can’t handle the constant feeling that something’s not right and that i can’t change it because you have to work and you’re not coming back for _two and a half more weeks_.”

“chanhee…” seokwoo sounded dumbfounded. and honestly, chanhee would be too if he was in the older’s place. “if the filming ends earlier, i’ll change my flight back for an earlier one. and i promise i’ll never leave you alone for that long again. i love you.”

“i love you, too. and i miss you so much,” chanhee sniffled. “i can’t wait for when you’re going to be back and i can hug you and just… not let go.”

“do you want to cry it out and fall asleep as we talk?” seokwoo suggested. “you’ll get tired from the crying soon enough, and it’s good to cry, it’s a healthy way to cope.”

“okay,” chanhee put his phone on the bed, next to him and hugged the pillow tighter. “can you tell me about your day until i fall asleep? i just want to hear your voice.”

“of course, love.”

“i love you,” chanhee blurted out.

“i love you, too,” seokwoo smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

chanhee was not expecting the doorbell to ring at 4 am. especially not that persistently. he wasn’t scared of anyone breaking in or it being a murderer but he just preferred if no one would disrupt his sleep like that. so, obviously, the boy decided to ignore it. and he really did try to ignore it. but it didn’t stop for as long as he tried to ignore it. by now the boy was just pissed - was he having an electrical issue? he couldn’t fix it, the boy wasn’t meant for solving that and no one would come over at 4 am just to fix a broken doorbell.

chanhee sighed and went to the door in the slight off chance that there might be an actual person there and they were messing with chanhee’s sleep schedule. because in that case he was ready to physically fight. and the boy wasn’t one for violence but this pretty much warranted it. he rubbed his eyes and opened the door.

chanhee was not ready to see seokwoo there. chanhee was not expecting the doorbell to ring at 4 am but he was not expecting to see seokwoo there even more. there was another week until he was supposed to be back. it was a dream, right? that’s why it was 4 am. because it was the middle of the night and he was dreaming. seokwoo wasn’t supposed to be back yet. he was in greece. filming.

the boy stood there in silence, staring at seokwoo. he couldn’t utter a single word that didn’t include  _ ‘what the fuck’ _ because honestly that was the only valid reaction to this. the older looked like he was expecting chanhee to say or do something but the boy just… stood there. silent, not moving. maybe he was just rebooting - that usually happens at night.

“i was expecting a hug or, y’know, at least some kind of a warm welcome?” seokwoo spoke up first, with a hint of smugness. he chuckled, still looking at chanhee.

“what the fuck, seokwoo?” chanhee finally asked. there wasn’t much more to say, the boy really couldn’t think of anything else that didn’t involve closing the door on seokwoo’s face and going back to bed. seokwoo knew chanhee didn’t like surprises - that would be the ultimate revenge, even if it was just in a dream. because chanhee was just dreaming. this couldn’t be reality.

“i don’t know what to say to that,” the older admitted. “can i come in at least? i’ve been ringing the doorbell for fifteen minutes and it’s getting cold. my phone turned off while i was in the uber so i couldn’t call you either.”

“i’m going back to sleep,” chanhee shook his head, letting seokwoo in. the man looked at the younger in disbelief as chanhee walked away to the bedroom.

<3

chanhee didn’t expect to wake up to someone cuddling him. the boy was not amused about it because the last he remembered was going to sleep alone - as he had for the last five weeks. he turned around only to see seokwoo’s face next to him. chanhee blinked in disbelief. then he blinked again. and then again for a few more times. what was seokwoo doing right next to him when he was supposed to be in greece? was chanhee’s weird dream just continuing? the boy pinched his arm. he made a face - it hurt. he wasn’t dreaming. therefore this was real. reality. seokwoo was really next to chanhee. seokwoo was  _ there _ .  _ finally. _

“what the fuck,” chanhee whispered through a smile. his eyes filled with tears as he explored seokwoo’s face. the man had tanned while filming. he looked so peaceful, sleeping like that. seokwoo hadn’t changed at all. for some reason, chanhee had expected for the man to come back and that it would be hard to even recognize him but yet there he was - looking the exact same as he did before. chanhee lightly cupped seokwoo’s cheek, lightly enough to not wake the man up. his skin was as soft as it always had been. 

he looked over seokwoo’s face some more, just enjoying the man being next to him again, being engulfed in his bear hug. chanhee knew he had missed the man but only now did he realise just how much he had missed him. now that he could finally feel like  _ home _ again. chanhee sniffled quietly and wiped his tears away, still smiling widely.

the boy hugged seokwoo in return and hid his face in the crook of the man’s neck. chanhee didn’t care if the older was going to wake up from that - chanhee had missed seokwoo for long enough to warrant this course of action. in a few seconds, the boy felt how he was hugged back even tighter.

“good morning, sleepyhead,” seokwoo chuckled.

“i missed you,” chanhee whispered loud enough for the man to hear. “i missed you so much.”

“it didn’t seem like it by the way you greeted me when i got back but i’ll believe you,” seokwoo’s smile was audible. he found it amusing how chanhee had just gone back to sleep, not even bothering to react to seokwoo being back. “i missed you, too, love,” he murmured and lightly pressed a kiss on the top of the younger’s head.

“shut up,” chanhee smiled, too. he could bear seokwoo’s  _ bullying _ now. any other time, the boy would’ve come up with an appropriate comeback but this wasn’t the time. the boy was too happy for that now. he only wanted to be held like this for a few more hours at the very least - to get back what was lost during the five weeks that seokwoo was gone.

“already?” seokwoo tried to sound exasperated and dramatic but failed.

“yes,” chanhee replied. “how did you come back so early? you were supposed to be away for another week,” he asked quietly.

“we wrapped up the filming early and i had to come back, i didn’t want to stay there for another week if i could be here with you instead. so i wanted to make a surprise for you, though i hadn’t expected that you would just go back to sleep as soon as i showed up on the doorstep,” he explained. “which was quite rude, by the way. i was expecting a hug or for you to tell me that you missed me or something but all i got was that.”

“it’s what you deserve,” chanhee murmured. “it’ll be a lesson for you not to leave me alone for that long again. next time i’m not even opening the door,” he added, “so if you want to live here, you’re not going away for longer than two nights, unless there are certain circumstances that i have been informed about.”

“i don’t plan on leaving again, don’t worry,” seokwoo said. “let me look at you,” he cupped chanhee’s cheeks and moved his head so he could see it. seokwoo’s eyes scanned the younger’s face, the older caressed chanhee’s cheeks softly and smiled. “beautiful as ever, nothing has changed,” seokwoo kissed the younger’s forehead.

“i think i’ve become prettier, but okay, be a hater,” chanhee rolled his eyes. “you always used to tell me that i become prettier every second, where has the love gone now? i guess kyun really was right, the honeymoon phase would go away at some point.”

“you’re insufferable.”

“and yet you love me, how come?” chanhee chuckled, nuzzling closer to seokwoo. “it just doesn’t make sense. i think you’re trying to deny your feelings for me,” he spoke in a serious tone. “your feelings for me are very valid, woo, i’d love me, too. it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“god, i missed you so much,” seokwoo chuckled and pinched chanhee’s cheek. “by the way, i got us something while i was in greece. let me get it, wait,” he slowly got up, untangling himself from chanhee and the blanket they were under.

chanhee let out a long groan of disappointment - the boy didn’t like that seokwoo was leaving him again, even if it was for a few minutes. he wanted seokwoo to stay next to him forever, the boy wasn’t ready to let the man go again. he crossed his arms on his chest and hid his face in the pillow, letting out a longer groan than before.

chanhee heard seokwoo entering the room again and laughing quietly. the younger felt hands on his waist that turned the boy over like a ragdoll so now he was facing the man. chanhee couldn’t help but smile, seeing the man again. the boy sat up so now they both were in the same positions. he saw a small box in seokwoo’s hands.

“just a disclaimer, i’m not proposing, that’s for a different day,” seokwoo made sure chanhee didn’t get the wrong idea. “but i did get us both matching rings,” he said and opened the small box. there were two beautiful silver rings in it. it was cheesy - just in seokwoo’s style. they weren’t obnoxious but still cheesy. both of them had dents in them that if they were to be put together, the dents would make a heart. “they’re engraved, too, so we’ll never mix them up,” seokwoo explained and showed chanhee his ring. truly, the inside of it read  _ ‘kang chanhee 2016.10.5.’ _ \- the day they met.

“they’re beautiful,” chanhee said, looking at them, not even daring to touch them yet. seokwoo took chanhee’s hand and put one of them on the boy’s ring finger. it fit perfectly. seokwoo put his ring on as well and put them together, so chanhee could see the heart that was made.

“they’re promise rings. i think we’re at the stage now that warrants promise rings, right?” he chuckled nervously, as if he wasn’t sure about what chanhee could think of them. the boy absolutely adored them. “it suits you.”

“i love you,” chanhee blurted out. he couldn’t think of anything else to say but that. 

“i love you, too,” seokwoo smiled and intwined chanhee in a tight hug.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/witchhyuck) and [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/markhyuckstea) uwu


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